Jun 245 min read

Adult Friendships and Personal Growth: Building Lasting Connections

Updated: Jul 1

Hey there! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Grab a cup of coffee, and let’s catch up on something that’s been on my mind a lot lately— adult friendships and personal growth. I’ve been thinking about how they’ve evolved over the years and the work it takes to keep them alive and meaningful. Let me share some thoughts and stories with you.

The Stinky Truth: A Personal Tale

So, let’s dive right in with a little trip down memory lane. Remember those awkward pre-middle school days? So, back then, I wasn’t exactly a fan of showers. Yeah, I know, shocking. The wild, romping girl with two older brothers who were her role models didn't understand hygiene. Well, after gym class, I’d be the one with a, let's say, “distinct” aroma. It didn’t bother me much until puberty hit, and suddenly, it was a big deal.

One day, after gym, everyone was wrinkling their noses and someone asked, “Who stinks?” And guess what? My best friend at the time pointed straight at me and exclaimed, "It's Tolu!" Can you believe that? I felt so betrayed. I get it now—I should have been more on top of my hygiene—but for 11-year-old me, that was crushing. It shattered my trust in my peers, making friendships challenging for years to come. This experience taught me that our past traumas, no matter how justified or seemingly trivial, significantly influence our current relationships.

It took me years to realize how much that moment affected me. In my twenties, loneliness forced me to confront these walls I'd built around myself. I realized that I had missed numerous opportunities for platonic love and friendship. Now, I’m working on tearing them down and building intentional friendships instead.

Adult Friendships Take Work

You know, when we were kids, friendships were easy. We saw each other at school every day, and that was enough. But as adults, it’s a whole different ballgame. Between work, family, and all our responsibilities, finding time for friends can feel impossible. Those who manage to do it are heroes in my book.

What It Means to Be a Good Friend

Being a good friend isn’t just about having fun together. It’s about showing up, offering support, and truly caring. Here’s what I think makes a great friend:

Reliability: Being there when it counts.

Empathy: Understanding and sharing each other’s feelings.

Honesty: Giving and receiving truthful feedback.

Respect: Valuing each other’s boundaries and differences.

Loyalty: Sticking together through thick and thin.

Recognizing a Good Friend

Just as we strive to be good friends, we need to recognize when someone is being a good friend to us. Here are some signs:

Support: They celebrate your wins and help you through losses.
Communication: There is mutual outreach, and when you do talk they listen and engage meaningfully.
Trust: They keep your secrets and respect your privacy.
Respect: They honor your boundaries and individuality. (You see how it goes both ways right?)
Consistency: Their supportive behavior is steady over time.

Forgiveness and Grace

Let’s talk about forgiveness and grace, two crucial components of any healthy friendship. We all mess up sometimes, right? Friendships are no different. Conflicts happen, misunderstandings arise, and feelings get hurt. How we handle these moments defines the strength of our friendships.

How to Forgive

Forgiveness is easier said than done, but it's essential for moving forward. Here’s how to approach it:

Acknowledge Your Feelings: It's okay to feel hurt, angry, or disappointed. Accept your emotions without judgment.
Understand the Other Person’s Perspective: Try to see the situation from their point of view. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but it can help build empathy.
Communicate Openly: Talk to your friend about what happened. Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming them. For example, “I felt hurt when you said that.”
Set Boundaries: If necessary, establish new boundaries to prevent similar issues in the future.
Let Go of Resentment: Holding onto anger only harms you. Practice letting go of negative feelings, even if it takes time.

The Grace to Forgive

Grace involves extending kindness and understanding beyond what is deserved. It's about recognizing that everyone makes mistakes and choosing to be compassionate. Offering grace can strengthen your friendships and build deeper trust.

Letting Go

Not every friendship is meant to last forever. Some serve us during specific phases of our lives and then naturally fade away. Letting go can be difficult, but it’s sometimes necessary for personal growth.

How to Let Go

I struggle with this one a lot, so here are some helpful tips to help you gracefully let go of a friendship that no longer serves you:

Reflect on the Friendship: Take time to think about what the friendship brought into your life and why it’s no longer working.
Communicate Your Feelings: If possible, have an honest conversation with your friend about how you feel. Explain why you think it’s time to part ways.
Accept Your Decision: Trust that you’re making the right choice for your well-being. It’s okay to feel sad or guilty, but don’t let those feelings derail your decision.
Create Distance: Gradually reduce the time you spend together. This can help ease the transition for both of you.
Focus on Self-Care: Engage in activities that make you happy and bring you peace. Surround yourself with supportive people who uplift you.
Stay Positive: Celebrate the growth and lessons the friendship provided.

Male-Female Friendships

Now, let’s touch on something people always debate: can men and women really be friends? I say, absolutely! With clear boundaries and respect, these friendships can thrive. I love and appreciate my male friends. They bring unique perspectives and enrich my life in ways I value deeply.

Building New Friendships

Lately, I’ve been focused on planting and nurturing healthy new friendships. Here’s what I’ve been doing:

1. Intentionality: Seeking out friendships with people who share my values and interests.

2. Openness: Allowing myself to be vulnerable and open to new connections.

3. Prioritizing Time with Friends: Making time for friends, no matter how busy life gets.

4. Communication: Having honest and meaningful conversations.

5. Showing Appreciation: Letting my friends know they are valued.